on being less than white

[houraipeach]

For those who are not aware, I want something to be clear: I am not white. This may not be obvious for folks who have met me, because thanks to a 'lucky' combination of genetics, I can pass for white pretty easily. I'm mixed-race, specifically mixed-race Lebanese. Lebanon is in the Middle-East. You can probably see where I'm going with this given recent events, and I'll get to that.

So yes. I am what would be ethnically-defined, if you believe ethnic definitions SHOULD be a thing, as Arabian. I enjoy passing privilege due to being mixed-race, which is kind of a double-edged sword, since I look white ENOUGH that a lot of non-Arabian people feel comfortable saying... certain things they would not say to me if they knew I was Arabian. You wouldn't BELIEVE how many times I have been having an otherwise pleasant conversation with somebody and they've suddenly just dropped a slur on me because they think I won't be offended. Which creates the doubly-awkward situation where if I call attention to it, somehow I'M being the asshole here. I'm not going to generalize and say this is just a white thing; I've gotten it from folks of nearly every race, though it has been PREDOMINANTLY white people.

Usually I don't even bother explaining all this. It's EASIER, socially, for me to just... pretend I'm white. It takes less time than explaining what Lebanon even is, and why my skin isn't dark, and why I'm not Muslim even though I'm of Arabian descent(and yes, I HAVE been called a 'person of terrorist descent' before, an irony NOT lost on me ESPECIALLY after Israel's bombings of Lebanon). It's just... simpler to swallow down the irritation and disappointment, and go on like nothing happened. This is why passing privilege is double-edged; in exchange for not being slurred against directly, I am expected to not care about slurs against my people at all. To bring it up means I not only have to defend against the slur, I have to defend against being accused of PRETENDING to be Arabian in order to have a reason take offense, which is the kind of mental gymnastics only people who really, really, really want to say racist stuff make.

Which puts me in a complicated position regarding the whole Charlie Hebdo thing recently. I've seen people by the DOZENS, people I otherwise respect and admire, telling Muslims and Arabian people of all stripes and varieties to, essentially, shut up about what happened. Muslims who want to make it clear that the fuckheads who perpetrated the act don't act in their name and don't represent them? They're told they're being 'selfish.' Catholic Arabians, like many Lebanese people, pointing out that being Arabian doesn't automatically make you a Muslim? They're told they're 'muddying the issue.' And in the middle there are people like me, who exist between both worlds, and are told constantly you have to somehow pick a side without picking EITHER, straddling some utterly-impossible Golden Mean.

Racial and religious issues are not fucking simple. And I don't care what you believe; if you want them to be 'simple,' if you want the debate about them to become less nuanced and critical, you are the enemy of all thought. Charlie Hebdo is an incredibly awful publication that has, for years and years, spread virulently anti-Arabian, anti-Muslim, anti-LGBT hate speech under the thin veneer of satire. It is one of the most racist, bigoted, hideous rags ever printed and worse than that, it's not even fucking FUNNY. I still don't think anybody should have been killed over it. And I'm sick of people on both sides of this non-debate telling me that these opinions are contradictory, while at the same time telling me I need to take a more balanced view.

Do you want me to have sympathy? I will have sympathy for the victims, who did not deserve to be killed because of who they worked for. I will not have sympathy for the institution that is Charlie Hebdo, because it's STILL fucking racist, and it's gonna keep BEING racist. If anything, it's likely to get worse, and discover even greater mainstream acceptance for the same reason as that godawful 'The Interview' movie. Do you want to be more balanced? Trying to stick to the middle will only result in both sides declaring me a traitor and a collaborator. But nothing I do will change that. I'm not powerful enough to affect the current of vast, sweeping rivers of human thought and ideology; frankly, I wish people would stop telling me I should be capable of it. Being Arab-American doesn't give me magic powers or the ability to read minds or some special sense of morality that makes me omniscient and immune to bias. I am a flawed, confused human being who doesn't really know what she should be doing or saying right now.

But I do know this: I'm not going to stop thinking critically or expressing nuance just because it makes it easier for people to put me in a convenient ideological/racial 'box.' Don't look at me like I'm a monster when I point out that the actions of a bunch of radical nutjobs is going to become a very convenient excuse for people to justify racist, bigoted behavior against people who had nothing to do with the matter; it being upsetting does not make it less accurate.

I'm not trying to tell you to take some kind of enchanted middle-path that somehow leads to True Enlightenment; no such thing exists, ever has, or ever will. But this kind of thought-terminating behavior isn't okay no matter what end of the political spectrum you're on, because there will always be people, people like ME, who don't fit conveniently into any box or category, because humanity defies simplification and generalization. It's not okay when it's TERFs bitching about transpeople, it's not okay when it's Republicans screaming about gays, it's not okay when it's tumblroids saying they want to destroy cisgendered people, and it's not okay when it's nervous liberals telling me to shut my mouth until things have 'calmed down.'

If you think that after a tragedy like this is not the right time to have this kind of conversation about race and religion, then nothing is EVER going to be the 'right time.' And waiting for that golden opportunity is a luxury none of us can afford.

Comments

[nidoking.livejournal.com]

I really wish there were a requirement for everyone to spend some childhood years in a foreign country. I have no idea how that would work, but the time I spent in Saudi Arabia has been a great benefit in terms of understanding what cultural differences really are, and more importantly, what they're not. Granted, as a kid, I wasn't exposed to nearly as much Saudi culture as the adults around me were, and I went to an international school with people from just about every country except the Middle East, but I could see some of the contempt that people had for me, and yet that was only a small part of my interactions with Saudi people. I can't say I learned a whole lot about Islam, but I certainly saw people fervently praying and leading normal lives, being polite when they talked with me, and generally indistinguishable from anyone I might meet on the streets of the U.S.. The world is a bigger place than most people realize, and there are all kinds of people in every part of it.

[xyzzysqrl]

None of this seems contradictory or weird to me.

[houraipeach]

Yeah, but I pretty much always trust you to take a measured, thoughtful look at things. Large chunks of humanity are not so good at that.

[houraipeach]

Yeah. And nobody seems willing to talk, on the Hebdo side of this, about the Muslim cop who died in the attack. Who died for the right of Charlie Hebdo, as a publication, to keep saying racist, bigoted shit. I don't know, I was hoping maybe his death would be a rallying cry against fundamentalism and bigotry, and that people would go 'hey, maybe muslims and arabs can be assholes or normal people just like everybody else.' That does not seem to be what anyone is taking away from this, though. =/

[xyzzysqrl]

Well, the thing is that I trust you for that too and I think it would be a great loss if you DID "shut your mouth". So... it's equal parts acknowledgement and encouragement.

[silveradept]

It seems reductive to say that people should be allowed to say stupid shit contingent on other people being able to call them on it when they do, and that nobody should die over stupid shit, but that's what I've got. Probably best to just listen, then, and promote the speakers who best say what I want to say.

[nidoking.livejournal.com]

If Jesus couldn't get through to them with the parable of the good Samaritan, there's no hope.

[balinares]

Might be some kind of selection bias? The French twittosphere has talked heavily about Ahmed, in much the same terms you employ here. (I can see how that might not be enough to drown out the usual racism and hatefulness that goes around, though. -_-)