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"Y'know what this thing I got is? It's an obol. At least, that's what I call it, I got no clue what Cabal call it. But it's an ancient greek word, means 'coin.' Was used as currency, 'cause it had a specific weight and value. When the greek buried their dead, they'd put one in the stiff's mouth; they believed that when you went to the afterlife, there was this huge river you had to go down to get to the part that didn't suck as bad, and to do so, you had to pay the ferryman. So the obol was what you payed with. I don't know if the Cabal believe in any kind of an afterlife, but they bury their dead with these things too. Fascinating little trinket; when a Cabal soldier dies, someone in their unit takes apart all their gear for spare parts... but they also make one of these. It's like a little time capsule, even has a small readout on the inside that tells you who it belongs to. See? Flip it open, and... this one belonged to Bracus Holsk. Dust Giants IV Cohort, Century 2, Maniple 7. MO, Phalanx. Twice decorated for valor, Freehold AO, wounded in combat five times, one demerit for failure to advance. The little lens here with the readout? That's from a helmet cam. The faceplate is a piece of her breastplate. The hinge is made from her slug rifle trigger. One badass dead space turtle lady. She lived 389 years, according to this. Must have been a hell of a life.

You know how many of these the Cabal make every day? Hundreds. Thousands, if it's a bad day. And they've been doing so since the Collapse, since they first landed on Mars. Imagine: one of these little trinkets, for every single Cabal who has ever died in the line of duty. Over a thousand years. You could take every single one of these things, these little coins, and stack 'em up in one place, and you'd overflow an entire city. Every single one is a life, a life that meant something to at least one person, 'cause somebody makes these things.

They may be big ugly space turtles, but they're the only big ugly space turtles they've got. And they're all alone, on some godforsaken crapsack rock, fighting and dying for over half a millenium, for reasons they aren't told, impossibly far away from their homes. And we loot them for scrap metal and glimmer to make bigger, meaner shit to kill 'em with. They're not just monsters. They're people, like Bracus Holsk, who died face down in sand for a cause she never knew the point of. You think about that next time you have one of 'em in your sights."
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So that title is pretty hyperbolic and you might think I'm exaggerating that statement for more views or more clicks or more whatever, and if I was someone for whom views or clicks made any difference to my revenue stream(current total: $0.00), you'd probably be right to think that. But since I don't make any money off my opinions and am not likely to do so anytime soon, you should instead take it for what it is, which is a completely and totally sincere summation of my feelings towards George Miller's Mad Max: Fury Road. Explaining why would take an incredibly long-winded, boring, self-indulgent overexplanation of every miniscule detail of a film whose description could easily be written as 'a car chase that lasts for 2 hours.' But since this is the internet, a tool made almost exclusively for long-winding, boring, self-indulgent overexplanations of things, that's exactly what you're going to get. And the first thing to do is establish that Fury Road is very much unlike most other action films.

This will, of course, involve HUMONGOUS SPOILERS for every single thing I discuss, so if you don't want anything spoiled, well, the warning was issued!

( I watch, I write, I watch again! )
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followup to this

---

( a brief anthropological primer )
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So, okay, I've been A) watching a TON of Justice League and JLU and Young Justice and the other examples of really amazing DC animated media lately, and B) since I couldn't properly get to sleep due to slightly too much caffeine, I ended up watching Man Of Steel on a lark to see if it was really as awful as I'd heard. The short answer is yes, but the WHY is fascinating and I'd like to ramble about it because it really gets to the heart of what so many people get so damnably wrongheaded and mistaken about superhero media.

So one of the big things about Superman in the DC Animated Universe(hereafter just the DCAU for brevity's sake) is that Superman is fundamentally a superpowered man.

...I realize that sounds like it's entirely obvious, but Man Of Steel really proves that it isn't, so let me explain. What makes Superman interesting is that he is a person, very specifically a goodhearted, kind, compassionate person who is not without flaws or biases. He is a good person, raised by good people, who happens to have frankly godlike power relative to nearly every single person of the culture he calls home. Even divorced of his lengthy, LENGTHY character history, Superman is interesting fundamentally because he is a being with the power to conquer the world at a whim, to shatter everything around him with just one fitful outburst, and yet he DOESN'T precisely because he is all too aware of the world's fragility and first and foremost wants to see it come to no harm; when he succeeds, it is because of empathy and restraint, and when he fails, it is because he becomes overly emotionally-invested and forgets, for just a moment, that he is a god. And he came to this place because of how he was raised, because of how he got to where he was raised, because he is one of the only survivors of Krypton, a far-off home he will never know but spend his whole life dealing with the legacy of, because he is a patchwork quilt of experiences and feelings and actions and reactions and thoughts and opinions and human frailties and human nobility. Superman is something that a young boy named Clark Kent became because Clark Kent saw the power he had and, over time, realized that the only worthwhile use of it was to try and put an end to suffering wherever he could.

The Superman of Man Of Steel, meanwhile, is a person who was born as Superman, stayed Superman for a while, made exactly the same kind of choice at every single juncture he ever encountered, namely whichever choice was the most Supermanly, until he finally arrived at a point where being Superman meant killing someone. And not once in that entire sequence of events did he ever really do anything interesting or meaningful, except to lament and navel-gaze about what 'being Superman' means, which is entirely nonsensical and bizarre given everything the film actually shows us.

Even divorced of all the baggage and history and cultural iconography built up around 'Superman,' Man Of Steel is some kind of gold-star failure at characterization because there literally could not BE anything LESS interesting about the character in nearly every scene of the film. They wanted to do a reboot saga that avoids 'typical' origin story pabulum, but at no point does Superman ever grow, or change, or show any deviation in his behavior or approach; he just keeps being 'Superman', forever, until we finally get to the credits. If you divorced ALL the iconic imagery and cultural baggage that surrounds the character from it, Man Of Steel is fundamentally just a movie about an unsettlingly boring, detached weirdo who moves around and does things, then sits around asking everybody why he does things.

There's no moments like in Justice League where Superman admits he tried out for the Boy Scouts but never made it past his first merit badge; there's nothing of the hapless, puppy-dog, innocent love he has for Lois Lane; gone is any sense of the commitment he has to the greater good when he's willing to put aside his(incredibly HUMANIZING) grudge against Lex Luthor to deal with his own alternate universe self; there's nothing like the sense of personal betrayal he feels when Hawkgirl backstabs the League, an act he never fully forgives. The DCAU Superman is not a detached alien nutcase; he's a DEEPLY attached person, defined both for good and ill by his love for the world and his need to preserve it, the kind of man who invites a green shapeshifting martian to Christmas dinner with his parents because he feels nobody should be alone on Christmas. What the DCAU GETS and that Man Of Steel utterly fails at, and what most DC movies so far have failed at, is that Superman was not born Superman. Superman is really Clark Kent, and he's always gonna be Clark Kent; Superman is just a costume he puts on so that he can BE larger than life. The big S shield on the front is there to protect the emotionally-vulnerable person WEARING IT as much as it is to represent his desire to protect others.

That Superman is an actual person, with a life. He has fears, motivations, desires, urges, grudges, sorrows, joys, all the things that make a fictional character into a real, believable person. The Man Of Steel Superman is just a cardboard standie with 'HEROIC' rubberstamped on him like a hallway pass.
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So in case anybody hasn't noticed, I've been on a SERIOUS Dragon Ball kick lately. Between rewatching some of the classic show, select parts of Z, and playing Dragon Ball Xenoverse, it's been a serious nostalgia trip through one of my favorite classic anime. But it's also incredibly demonstrative of the problem of power creep(even if it's one that I think handles it well). I'm going to assume, for the purpose of this discussion, that you know the rough thrust of Dragon Ball: collect all 7 of a magic dragon's balls(snrk) to get a wish, kung-fu punchymans everywhere, insane amounts of name-based puns.



So, it may be surprising to people who grew up watching Dragon Ball Z(IE, pretty much anyone who was between 8 and 12 years old in the 1990s), but you know, ki attacks used to be the EXCEPTION, not the norm. For the ENTIRETY of Dragon Ball, Goku knows the Kamehameha(which he doesn't even pick up until episode 8)... and that's it. He doesn't even pick up another 'special' move like this until after the first arc of Z. And even knowing the Kamehameha made Goku fairly special, because very, very few people even USED ki attacks in the original series. Ki attacks felt a lot more special, and the threats were scaled to fit that. The characters spend a lot of time fighting what might as well be qualified as gods in Z, but in Dragon Ball, you could just be a canny dude who knows how to fight dirty and still be a credible threat, like Tao Pai, arguably Goku's first truly scary opponent.

Back in the Dragon Ball days, you could get away with being just 'a clever, capable person' and be a worthy adversary. The Red Ribbon Army arc is one of the most memorable in the series, and it largely consists of Goku fighting robots, dudes on airships, and entirely non-ki-powered soldiers who just happen to be really good fighters anyway. Tienshinhan is arguably Goku's most memorable opponent from Dragon Ball, and his primary gimmick is a technique that lets him temporarily blind people. Hell, remember when Goku A) had to use the Nimbus to fly and B) actually ever USED the Power Pole?

But then Z came along. And the longer Z lasted, the more Goku turned into Superman, right down to being a superpowered alien. This arguably started with Raditz, an opponent so strong Goku had to sacrifice his life to defeat him, but I'd say it really started with Nappa, who chumped the entire original cast aside from Goku, thus beginning their slow, inevitable slide into irrelevance. The moment Yamcha gets blown up by a Saibaman is the moment Yamcha went from a canny, tough bandit-made-good who managed to master the Kamehameha as well as Goku did to the running chump of the entire series, who literally never gets a victory again no matter how hard he tries.

You see, the problem with making your hero the strongest person on Earth is that, inevitably... you run out of people on Earth to fight. To its credit, DBZ actually rolls with this, by taking the action into space, which was at the time an ENTIRELY unexpected twist. Going from a martial arts story loosely-based on Journey To The West into a space opera was really daring, and it pulls it off well, introducing arguably the most iconic villain of the series in sassy, sly despot Frieza, which it followed up with the utterly terrifying Cell, an unholy amalgamation of every single fighter in the series wrought by deranged mad science, and Majin Buu, an ancient, childlike demon who bordered on godhood. And while these are all great workarounds to the problem of Goku being incredibly strong... it also means you can't ever HAVE a villain that isn't a demigod again.

Each new escalation in power is one more avenue of plotlines blocked off. First it was the Kaioken techhnique. And then it was going Super-Saiyan. Then it was Super-Saiyan 2, and Fusion Dances, and Super Saiyan 3, and Potara Earrings, and etc., etc.. With every new means of powering-up, another chunk of the cast gets left in the dust to do basically nothing except comment on Goku and the other Saiyans doing the actual work. And then of course it goes entirely bullshit in Dragon Ball GT, which at one point introduces a new villain by selling him as 'stronger than Majin Buu' only to unceremoniously kill him off literally five episodes later. As a sidenote, I refuse to believe that GT is canon shut up lalalalala I can't hear you. But you see my point, I hope.

The issue isn't even 'people are too strong.' You can milk a lot of tension out of even absurdly-powerful protagonists if you provide both allies and antagonists who maintain parity with them. It's not power creep that is bad; it's the problem of power catch-up. Imagine a Dragon Ball where, for example, Yamcha, Tienshinhan, and everybody else were able to actually KEEP UP with the Saiyans. Several of the games actually run with this in what-if storylines, including a memorable one where KRILLIN takes over as main character.

The trick to ask when you're working on a storyline involving superpowered characters should never be 'how can I make the next foe strong enough to be a threat.' It should be 'how can I make sure everybody gets a chance to be relevant.'
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One of the things you will almost inevitably find on the internet, almost more commonly than badly-made porn, is angry opinions about the Middle East. 'What to do about the Middle East' is one of the things you're MOST likely to find being discussed loudly and in broad, sweeping generalizations in comments sections. And I've noticed said 'debates' tend to be A) wildly misinformed about actual history and B) shockingly, depressingly eurocentric. So this is going to be my attempt to clear up what I can of the misunderstandings, and likely, will utterly fail at changing the opinion of anybody whatsoever. All that said, let's begin!

#1: The Middle East Is Not Just Israel And 'Everyone Who Isn't Israel'

This one is particularly niggling because it's a very eurocentric viewpoint, and therefore a very popular viewpoint among people who have a vested interest in portraying Israel as a western-backed 'civilizing element' taming the savage badlands full of violent lunatics. That is a very pretty, neat, convenient narrative, and like every single pretty, neat, and convenient narrative in geopolitics it is patently false.

In point of fact, long before Israel existed, and to make this point extremely clear, Israel is a MODERN nation that only came about in the 20th century, NOT a continuation of historical Jewish kingdoms in the Middle East, the Middle East was a bright spot of culture and learning during the crushing intellectual poverty of the European Middle Ages. We have Middle Eastern culture and in particular the Umayyad and Abbasid Caliphates to thank for rather a lot of Very Cultured Things, including modern mathematics, astronomy, and the long-term preservation of huge swaths of so-called 'classical'(read: ancient Greek and Roman) artwork, philosophy, and mythology. So critical are Middle Eastern contributions to mathematics and science that the basic numbers you can look at on your keyboard right now are called 'Arabic numerals,' which is probably because they are Arabic numerals.

All of which is essentially to point out that far from being culturally 'backwards' and in dire need of the civilizing hand of the western world, the Middle East has, historically, been a diverse, culturally affluent, highly-advanced civilization even, or ESPECIALLY, compared to Medieval European nation-states. But that narrative isn't convenient to the people who set the pick of this kind of discussion, so all this is cheerfully swept under the rug because pfft, brown people, am I right?

In point of fact, the modern Middle-East is STILL a culturally affluent, politically vibrant, and ethnically and religiously diverse landscape, far, FAR from being a homogenous, monolithic axis of Nasty Arab Buggers who hate the western world. Not only is that racist, it's also inaccurate, particularly given several traditionally-Christian states in the region, most notably my ethnic homeland, Lebanon. But even putting aside the overtly Christian states, let's not forget that tolerance of Christianity is widespread; Jordan traditionally reserves a number of cabinet posts specifically for representatives of the Christian community, for example. What I'm getting at is that when you talk about the Middle East, you are taking about a really frigging huge and diverse area: in terms of land-mass, the Middle East, by national borders of nations considered to be part of the region, would take up just over 90% of the landmass of the continental United States. And of that vast amount of land, the region considered to be 'Israel and Palestine' is less than 5%. Which brings me to my next point.

#2: The Middle East Is Actually Pretty Darn Peaceful

When you factor OUT internal civil wars and the conflicts between Israelis and Palestinians, who again are a VERY small segment of Middle Eastern population, you know what you DON'T actually see a lot of in the Middle East? Wars.

Okay, this is whitewashing it a little. There have been a number of violent ethnic purges in the Middle East over the past century, but 'hilariously' enough, these have been largely contained to Middle Eastern powers backed by the United States and Great Britain. Which is a neat little rhetorical dodge, isn't it? "OBVIOUSLY you're all savages. You keep killing each other with all these weapons we keep giving you and telling you to use on each other!" Between current ethnic conflicts in Turkey, the Taliban in Afghanistan, Saddam Hussein's branch of the Ba'ath Party in Iraq, and the Iranian Shahs, the most violent and bigoted factions in Middle Eastern politics have largely been those backed, funded, and armed by the Western world.

To swing the discussion back towards the elephant in the room, this is even true of Palestine. The idea of a Palestinian state, separate from the cultural hegemony of what was then the Ottoman Empire, was an idea propagated amongst Palestinian nationalists... by British supporters during WW1. British agents actively encouraged Palestinian revolution in order to help them prosecute their war against the Ottomans, which was rapidly being divided-up piecemeal by the other great powers. Palestine, once British troops helped 'secure' it, was then promised by the British to, among other, the Palestinians, the French, themselves, and finally to the Zionist movement, who took the land to found the modern state of Israel. Which is a far less tidy narrative for everyone involved, but it's ESPECIALLY less tidy to Great Britain, which has largely avoided taking responsibility for the violent sectarian and ethnic conflicts it actively fomented.

And when I say fomented, I really do mean that. Up until WW1, Palestine and in particular Jerusalem was a hotbed of people getting along peacefully, with a population that was roughly an even split between Muslims, Christians, and Jews, all of whom got along peacefully and with striking religious tolerance. As the holy city for the three biggest monotheist faiths in the world, the Ottomans, while being a Muslim state by tradition and law, encouraged tolerance because... well, tolerance was easier than having to send in the troops and break everything up. It was not until, yes, Great Britain moved in to 'secure' this lawless frontier that things were divided-up based upon religious and ethnic lines(some of which they made up on the spot), so that British occupation forces could more easily govern things. Or, rather, 'govern things without having to actually think about the people who lived there or acknowledge their culture.'

#3: The Conflict Between Israel And Palestine Is A Modern Ethnic And Nationalist Conflict, Not An Ancient Religious One

Which, conveniently, brings me rocketing to my final point: the idea that Muslims and Jews are engaged in some kind of eternal, thousand-year-long spiritual war with one another that can only be resolved with helicopter gunships and cruise missiles is A) a thoroughly modern one, as in 'younger than the very idea of cruise missiles,' and B) really quite incredibly wrong.

I'm just gonna be blunt here. At the time the ancient Jewish kingdoms in the Middle East, the only ones who might have had some claim to the territory on grounds of traditional holding, evaporated, either via outside threats, financial insolvency, or just plain dying off for various other reasons... um... there was no such thing as 'Islam.' Islam hasn't even EXISTED for the thousands of years this narrative implies: the Prophet Mohammed died in 632 AD/CE. Even IF there was some surviving Jewish state(there wasn't) that came into conflict with the early Islamic Empire(they didn't), that COULD only be about as 'early' as the 8th Century, when the Umayyad Caliphate held sway.

And here's the funny thing: the Ummayads LOVED Jews. Not loved in the sense of 'encouraged to participate freely in governance of the land,' because this WAS still the Middle Ages and monarchical theocratic dynastic rule was still the standard, but they DID show remarkable religious tolerance for the time. Jewish subjects of the era were allowed to practice their religion freely as long as they paid a tax to do so, which is... okay, not awesome, but it's far from Western conceptions of Islam being a faith that spread itself via a doctrine of conversion by the sword. The Ummayad dynasty happened to LIKE Jews, rather a lot, because they were a guaranteed source of regular income for the state who largely kept to themselves and didn't start trouble; if anything, they had more trouble keeping their own Muslim subjects in line(which is an even MORE complicated topic).

Put succinctly, there IS no history of war between Muslims and Jews, until the 20th century. There was, quite simply, no Jewish state for Muslim states to be at war WITH. More to the point, the current conflicts between the Jewish state of Israel and other Muslim states in the Middle East are not, I reiterate, not about religion. Not even one iota.

I will not argue that these conflicts often have religious dogma used to justify them. But claiming the conflicts themselves are religiously-motivated is not only wrong, it's dangerously wrong. Nobody in the Middle East right now is fighting over whether you should fast during Yom Kippur or Ramadan, or whether or not children should be circumcised at birth, or debating things Abraham did long before the birth of Christ at gunpoint. Calling it a religious conflict is convenient and flowery and palatable to our sensibilities about historical Middle Eastern conflict, because the typical Western perspective of the Middle East is still grounded in mentalities formed back when the Crusaders were duking it out with the Saracens, but it simply isn't true. What spurs these conflicts now is that Israel wants more land, and the people currently living on that land would like to keep it. That's not a 'thousand-year war between faiths.' That's a fifty to sixty-year almost-war over accounting, real estate, and who owes taxes to whom.

The portrayal of Israeli/Palestinian ethnic conflict as one that is 'ancient' is a portrayal largely propagated by people who stand to benefit from their constituents not thinking about things all that much. And if you're someone who would like to see this conflict ended with one side beating the other, that's very tidy and neat and justifiable. But the very portrayal of this conflict as ancient and intractable belies the reality that it is modern, caused largely by the interference of the Western world, and has come, even as recently as the mid-90s, achingly close to resolution. When we talk about 'peace in the Middle East,' that's typically a punchline about hopelessness. But it's easy to forget that in the long view, this is a young conflict perpetrated by young combatants, ones who haven't yet had the time to grow weary of war or come to an understanding.

This kind of conflict seems interminable when you're watching it happen, but to treat it as hopeless out-of-the-gate is to TRULY give up on the idea of resolving it. And that resolution, when it comes, is only going to come when we acknowledge the idea of the Middle East not as a backwards wasteland full of greedy oil barons and corrupt theocracies, but as an equal to the Western world. Only when our history is allowed to be valid will that history forget the pains of conflict.
houraipeach: (peach)
So, this one has been a long time coming. But I really need to talk about this and I don't think there's going to be a better time, more or less ever, because it has to do with social dynamics and politics, which is EVERYBODY'S favorite and least-upsetting subject!

DISCLAIMER: I am not angry at anybody. I'm not actually upset right now, this is just a Thing I need to talk about because it's been gnawing away at the back of my brain for a while; more than anything I'm hoping this will actually be comforting.

( if you could see me, whoever I am / it's not like a movie, it's not all skin and bones )
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Truth is not reality. The two are related, but there's a vast gulf between them.

As I've been working on this weird little magical girl project I've had cooking, and which I really, really want to make into an actual Thing, I've been realizing that I spend way too much goddamn time constructing 'believable' worlds. Worldbuilding is often a trap for me; I get so wrapped up in making a world that's realistic and correct that I forget to make worlds that I find true. And for this project, that's fine; the worldbuilding is pretty much done and I have a bunch of detail I may or may not use, but now I enter the hard part, which is making it feel like a world you would actually care about, as opposed to one you could believe exists. Some of that is already done, because GOOD worldbuilding is not simply describing systems, but relating how those systems interact with actual people, and how they feel about those systems.

A lot of sci-fi writing stresses believability and realism, but as I get older and more mature, I realize it was never realism ITSELF I cared about. Gunbuster isn't my favorite anything ever because I'm impressed by the fact that it realistically models lightspeed time-dilation; it's my favorite anything ever because it takes a weird little fact about the way space travel works and spins it into the most gutwrenchingly beautiful finale any human being has ever put down into a work of fiction. It is not the reality of the situation that compels me; a lot of impossible, ludicrous, utterly aphysical breaks with reality occur on an episode-by-episode basis. It is not the fact itself, but that it plays up the emotional response to this cold fact about existence so hard that the emotional truth of that response burns brighter than every star in the universe.

It's a paradox I struggle with a lot as a writer. Realism is backdrop; all fiction, all GOOD fiction, is ultimately about our emotional responses. So why do I care so much about making a 'realistic' world? I don't like realistic worlds. I like worlds that make internal sense, but I never need them to be realistic, because that's not what it takes to make me buy in. I watch Gurren Lagann and Giant Robo and Steven Universe and all the rest because I like weird, inexplicable, often-unsettling and dangerous but beautiful worlds. So what must I do to create that feeling, when so much of my impulse as a creator is to EXPLAIN rather than SHOW?

I need to discard the idea that it is IMPORTANT to explain how things 'work.' I am already getting the audience to accept that magic exists; I can forget about metaphysics. What matters is that the reaction of PEOPLE is real and true, not that they things they react to are. If I say, 'exposure to this magical thing can change you in ways that are unpredictable and dangerous,' it's not important to explain the precise molecular function that makes that happen, only 'how does this person feel about this and why.' When I injure myself, I don't often understand precisely what is wrong with my body; I only know that it's painful and that it makes me unhappy. Experiential feeling is more important to the craft of writing than blunt explanations and technobabble gobbledycrap.

So what's step one for this? I suppose it's to figure out 'why would I care about this world if I were living in it?' What would motivate me, as a monster hunter, to go out and put my life on the line to save people from a threat that probably won't ever STOP existing and cannot be permanently solved? Do I feel that experience as bleak, or do I feel it as uplifting, or is it somewhere inbetween? Is a fight a performance, a show, a triumph, a tragedy? More than that, why does anybody ELSE do this? Are Slayers treated with respect, love, fear? Why? Is it a burden to me, a grim responsibility? Is it something I revel in? Why should I care?

It's easy enough, when worldbuilding, to say 'this is a fact.' When you start asking about what is true, however, a fractal of possibilities opens up beneath your feet. The ground gives way to a spinning lattice of personal choices and interrelationships and emotional baggage, and it's here that stories are made.
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( pour some sugar on me )

value

Jan. 27th, 2015 11:39 pm
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So, I'm still feeling sort of cruddy lately. A lot of this is tied to my decision to back out of running the Hospitality Suite at Foolscap this year... sort of. I do feel a little shitty at doing so at functionally the last minute, but frankly, I stand by my decision to do so for a number of reasons. Number one being that I'm just genuinely NOT up to doing something that involves interacting with total strangers and the inherent requirement of being cheerful and welcoming, particularly given that last time I worked Hospitality I ended up having to have multiple lengthy conversations with Goodspaceguy. But number two, and probably the more important factor: I wasn't getting paid for it.

Frankly, I'm really starting to chafe at the notion that my labor is worth, functionally, nothing. And I don't have the time or energy to spend on attending an event where I am expected to work lengthy, early-morning to late-night shifts for the privilege of having gaggles of crusty old sci-fi nerds expound at me at length about how out-of-touch young people are, particularly not without actual compensation. Hell, I wasn't even going to be comped a hotel room; I was expected to pay full-price admission for the privilege of working, which is kind of a kick in the pants given I did that last year and I didn't even get my name in the conbook staff list. Bluntly: I am tired of doing labor for free, with nothing but the vague prospect of 'satisfaction at a job well done' dangled as the carrot in front of my nose.

Let me explain something here. I have an income of $0. I spent roughly $400 to $500 over the holidays, of which I managed to successfully recoup about $100. My wonderful, ever-thrifty and ever-working partner Daikanu manages to keep us afloat largely because he is a wildly popular commission artist, but the fact remains that I have no disposable income whatsoever and very little that I can actually call my own. I have no savings, no job prospects, and no functional capacity to work a retail job(the last two times I did, I had on-the-job nervous breakdowns). I have no health insurance, and no ability to pay for even the cheapest coverage even if I could get any. And then there is of course the fact that someday, I hope to actually have gender reassignment and fully transition to being a girl, which once more, I am somehow supposed to accomplish with zero money.

These facts have been making me rather irritable, of late. As I see my friends and loved ones all managing, in some fashion or another, to either begin, continue, or reach the endpoint of their journeys into identity self-assertion, I have remained frustratingly stagnant. And frankly... I'm not sure that's ever going to change, because I don't have the ability to make money the way more technically-inclined members of our community can. Dai's income is decent, but it's still only just above Seattle minimum wage and that's not a lot to support two people on; the likelihood that he's going to be able to bankroll my transition is slim to none. Which leaves me in the aggravating, frankly soul-crushing position of sitting by and bearing witness to personal transformations I increasingly believe I will never be able to afford to experience. All because I don't meet the arbitrary financial gating-point society has decided to lock these services behind.

I'm 27 years old. I'll be 28 this summer. And while in many ways my situation is infinitely, staggeringly better than what I am used to, it is still unacceptably stifling. Not only is transition no closer, it feels further away than it has ever been in my entire life. And if anything, I fear my ability to actually self-determine in the crushing shitmire that is the modern economic landscape is at an all-time low. I am reliant, utterly, on help that may not ever come, and the only option I am left with is praying that it does. Unless money just starts falling out of the goddamn sky, I am pretty much certain at this point in my life that I will NEVER get to become the girl I want to be.

I am, simply put, not valuable enough to deserve it.

---

EDIT: Since I seem to need to clarify this, yes, I am aware nobody who works for the con is getting comped anything and that it is a purely volunteer effort. I am not trying to badmouth it because of this, simply stating how that and my lack of personal interest in the event dovetailed with larger concerns about the value of my time and energy. This is not me trying to give the con bad press or 'blaming it' for anything.
houraipeach: (peach)
Greetings to fellow members of the Seattle postfurry community! If you're like $EXAMPLE_TERRAN, you enjoy having a clean house! But paradoxically, you also probably enjoy not having to clean your house! Which is where I, your illustrious and beautiful and $COMPLIMENTARY_ADJECTIVE unicorn, come in!

You see, I enjoy cleaning houses. I love the smell of pine-sol and fresh linen. I love the sensation of sweeping a mop back and forth across a dirty floor and seeing it sparkle in my beauteous, magnificent wake. I love to take up the featherduster as a bannerman might take up his axe for his lord, dispatching waves of dust in clean, efficient, lethal strokes. I enjoy it so much I'd probably do it for free. But I also enjoy having money! We are in a unique position, my friends, because together we can solve many of our mutual problems. I will clean your house, thus satisfying your desire for a clean house you didn't have to do any work for, in exchange for money, satisfying my desire to be less poor!

And it doesn't have to be just your house! I can also clean... the OUTSIDE of your house! Now, I know what you're thinking, fellow strange animal people. "You cannot clean the outside of a house. Outside of a house is where dirt lives, and dirt is inherently not a clean thing!" But that is where you are wrong, my friends, because through my patented combination of unicorn magic and rugged physical labor, I can even make your dirt clean! I will clear brush, tend gardens, mow lawns! I will even practice that most forbidden of arts, the dread 'sweeping of the driveway,' an ancient technique know only to the darkest of custodiomancers.

And what am I asking for such astounding feats of magical, life-cleansing might? A flat fee of 70 dollars per session, per floor! Having checked around extensively, that's 50 bucks less than what you could expect to pay from a 'professional' maid service. Maid service which, I might add, probably isn't as familiar with the vagaries of our mutual lifestyles and might get kind of weirded out by all our awesome stuff.

If you're in our weirdo Seattle postfurry community and would like to hire me to solve YOUR problem of $RESIDENCE_CLEAN_NEGATORY, simply leave a comment here or on twitter! My rate is open to negotiation, and my schedule is wide-open!
houraipeach: (Default)
So, it's probably no surprise that I'm still feeling pretty fucked-up over my trip to see my family for the holidays. Between the completely bullshit strip-search from the TSA to dealing with them, I'm in kind of a bad state right now and the usual measures I take to drag myself up aren't quite working.

See, my family is really good at the whole guilt thing. And because they're the sort of family that never, like, learned to ACTUALLY deal with their emotions because they grew up in the 50s, their primary outlets for frustration are 'teasing' and 'telling other people their business.' Every single DAY of the trip, whatever else happened, was about 20 bazillion needling little comments about my sense of dress, my job history, why I haven't 'found a nice girl yet,' my hobbies, and my taste in just about everything under the sun. I desperately hope they never find out about my sex life, because I know damn well I'd never live it down.

And the thing is, while THEY can easily shrug this stuff off because they've been doing it since they were six years old and have developed thick calluses where their emotions should be, I do not have the same ability. Which means that for the past week and a half since getting back home, I've been in a state of more-or-less constant animal panic over anything anybody says to me at all that doesn't instantly read as 'I agree with you completely.' I've been acting paranoid, twitchy, and skittish and I can't seem to actually DISARM my alert response. And that bothers me because it's turning things I would otherwise enjoy into things that make me a nervous wreck.

I don't really have anything useful to say here. I can't afford therapy or meds, and none of this is really on other people behavior-wise. I do know that I have the equivalent of a flooded basement full of toxic sewage in my brain that I extremely need to get pumped out, but what there is to actually do about that is beyond me. Weed and liquor haven't helped, and neither has companionship. It's starting to drive me fucking crazy, because I can't talk to anyone about anything without startling, wanting to flee the room, or developing the urge to punch something until my hand breaks. Worse than that, I feel like a miserable shit because I'm terrified I'm a danger to others because of how often my frustration and anger turns to 'I want to destroy something.'

So no, I really don't know what to do about this. Everybody has been wonderful, I'm not asking for anything more in terms of people's time or energy. I guess I'm just warning folks that I'm feeling really volatile and paranoid; approach with caution, if at all.
houraipeach: (heidi)
So, barring the inherent awfulness of internet culture surrounding it, 2014 was a goddamn amazing year for video games. There were so many great things this year I'm honestly a bit spoilt for choice! But since it's sort of a thing to do, I'm going to presume you care about my opinions and give you Top Ten Games(that I played) in 2014 List.

( Behold my true form and despair! )
houraipeach: (Default)
( I grouch about racial matters for a while. )
houraipeach: (dido)
One of the things I constantly feel, when it comes to dealing with the postfurry community, is the sense of being a significant cultural outlier. I know all of us feel that way to some degree; 'not shiny enough' almost seems to be a PREREQUISITE for being in this community of people. But I'm gonna be super-blunt: half the time when y'all talk, I have no fucking clue what you're on about.

( I babble about culture gaps for a while. )
houraipeach: (ruby)
Exercise -

* buy some damn free weights finally, I always lose more weight when I do strength training, this set looks good: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000VCDXNS/sr=8-1/qid=1419572563/ref=olp_product_details?ie=UTF8&me=&qid=1419572563&sr=8-1
* at least 100 minutes of high-intensity cardio every day, spaced out into 20 minute 'chunks' with rests inbetween
* stop weighing myself on the damn scale, it doesn't provide any useful data and it just makes me feel shitty


Diet -

* cut down severely on carbs, no more 'rice is the default meal plan'
* pizza is off-limits except for special occasions like company because I always overindulge
* NO sugared soda or drinks; diet soda, artificially-sweetened iced tea, or water ONLY
* way more vegetables; 'salad' is the new 'bowl full of rice' when it comes to complimenting a meat dish
* more protein, and more of it as nuts than meat; fat is actually not that much of a concern since I favor lean meats anyway
* incorporate 'release valves' for sugar cravings into diets; dessert ONCE a week but REGULARLY, not EVERY NIGHT but UNRELIABLY SO
* fuck you, I am never going to eat less cheese, get on my level scrub
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