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houraipeachYou stand at the entrance of your TRAINING LAIR. It's a nice little split-level cave complex a few miles out from ADVENTURE CITY. You've been pretty happy with the place, all told, even if the dragon downstairs snores like he's having wet dreams about forest fires. And it's here that you have been training for the last six months, preparing your body and mind for the quest that lies before you.
Okay. Today is the day. Nothing's gonna stop me now, you think to yourself, hand drifting to the handle of your magical sword, GIRL FRIDAY, which is carefully sheathed in a really quite fetching scabbard that came with your IMPRACTICALLY FRILLY DRESS-ARMOR. It cost a bunch of gold, but you really think it was worth it! It accentuates what you think are your best features! Well, you think darkly, looking down at the empty corset, flapping against your bare chest sadly in the morning wind, MOST of my best features.
It's also really easy to clean bloodstains off of, which is important when you are a KNIGHT-ERRANT. You're also not sure why you capitalize KNIGHT-ERRANT when you think about it. You just think that seems important! I really hope this goes well, you think, as you adjust the complicated series of straps and buckles that keep your array of adventuring gear hooked to your dress. Your life as a warrior has culminated in this quest. Heck, you started adventuring specifically so you COULD do this quest. It's like, THE quest!
"Today is the day," you announce, audibly this time. "Today is the day I quest for the favor of the ~*BOOB FAIRY*~!" You grin at the dawning sun, then crack your knuckles in what you imagine is a particularly badass fashion. Experimentally, you try to crack your neck too, an-
C-R-R-ICCKKKK.
"OW! OW OW OW OW OW SONUVA-" is all you manage to get off before your pained twitching makes you trip over the 3-inch heel of one your BATTLE BOOTS and sends you tumbling down the hill.
---
You're still nursing your aching neck and trying to make sure the skirt of your dress covers up your skinned knees as you reach the first station of the quest, the FOREST OF TOTAL ANGUISH. It is said the BEAST OF ABSOLUTE DESPAIR dwells here, to watch those who would seek the ~*BOOB FAIRY*~ and judge their worthiness.
The forest is dim, dark, and like, totally forlorn and junk. It is cast in perpetual twilight, trees stripped of their leaves, empty of life and dead-silent save for the sound of your breathing. Well, your breathing and you saying 'ow' every couple of minutes as you rub your neck. You're starting to wonder if you're even on the right path; according to the guidebook you got from AdventureStop, you were supposed to encounter the BEAST OF ABSOLUTE DESPAIR like four healing springs ago! Ugh, this is what you get for not buying the 'official' strategy guide, but after paying for your IMPRACTICALLY FRILLY DRESS-ARMOR, money was tight. You're JUST about to give up and go home in a huff, when you hear a hoarse whispering from beyond the tree-line.
"yOuUuUuUuUuU..." it drones, in what sounds like some kind off-key warble. "nObOdY aAaAaAaAaCtUaLlY lIkEsSsSsSsSsSs YoUuUuU..."
"Oh you have got to be kidding me," you mutter to yourself. It's a SADNESS IMP. THAT'S the BEAST OF ABSOLUTE DESPAIR? That's like a level 3 monster! All they do is say your innermost doubts in a freaky voice. You've banished like nine gazillion of these things already. You put your hands on your hips and sigh loudly. "Look, it's not gonna work, you big dork!" you call out to the forest. "I have WAY too many points into Self-Confidence."
"bUt WhAt AbOuT yOuR dReSsSsSsSsS? iT's So TrAsHy-LoOkInG..." he mumbles from somewhere out of sight.
"First of all, how I dress myself is none of your beeswax," you shout back, pouting. "And secondly, I look awesome and I KNOW IT, so why don't you knock off the creepy muttering and just come out here so I can banish you back to the Plane of Elemental Creepiness, okay? I promise it won't hurt much, my sword is SUPER-sharp." There's a lengthy pause, and for a moment the forest is silent once more.
"...pRoMiSsSsSsSe?" comes the reply.
"Yes, I promise!" you say cheerfully. There's the sound of cracking twigs and crunching dirt as the lanky, shadowy figure of the imp sidles up to you from out of the treeline. Honestly, he's kinda pitiable; most Sadness Imps are. They just can't help being downers.
"i JuSt WaNt YoU tO kNoW, yOu ArEn'T vEry pReTtY. sOrRy, I hAvE tO sAy ThAt," he murmurs, kicking the ground... well, sadly, raising a tiny little cloud of dust. With a swift, fluid motion, you draw GIRL FRIDAY and sever his head in a single smooth stroke, the imp's body splattering into a puddle of musty ink.
"I'm sorry too, little guy," you say, wiping a spatter of ink off your cheek.
---
Okay, well, THAT was awkward! But at least you're through the forest, and into the PLAINS OF ENDLESS HEAT. Which, really, are pretty aptly-named, given all the FIRE. I mean, the whole place is made of FIRE SAND, which is permanently on fire, which is pretty nuts to be honest. But after this, there's only one more station to go on the Quest, so you grit your teeth, roll up your sleeves, and pull the CONVENIENT BOW OF TRANSFORMATION on the front of your dress, your voluminous bell-skirt transforming into a stylish miniskirt! That should keep you from sweating too much.
"Okay," you murmur, flipping through the guidebook, "according to this the next challenge is... Dre." Wait, what? What kind of a challenge is DRE? The book doesn't have any details on this 'Dre,' which is... a little worrying. Ugh, fricking off-brand strategy guides! You swear after this you're buying only official Questendo(tm) products.
With nothing else to do, you start walking. And walking. And WALKING. You have to be careful; with all the fire sand, tripping up or stopping would burn like the dickens. It feels like days, but it's impossible to tell since the sun is perpetually hanging dead-center in the middle of the sky. Even with your dress reconfigured to something less impractical, you're sweating like a hog, and you haven't seen a healing spring since you got here. Whoever designed this quest area was a big meanie. Your limbs are sapped by the oppressive heat, to the point that you're praying no monsters show up; you couldn't even lift your sword to righteously smite them right now.
And then... hope. Off in the distance, you see a shimmering glow, and borne aloft on the breeze is the pleasant hum of healing magical energies. A healing spring! Your face splits into a grin as you feel energy return to your body, bounding across the dunes. You cry out with relief, and you're nearly at the spring when you hear the beat of massive wings thundering down from the sky. Before you can reach the cool, refreshing waters of the spring, a vast griffon with glowing green eyes, a halo of frozen fire, and INCREDIBLY dramatic eyeshadow crashes to sands before you. "I AM DRE," she bellows, shaking you down to your bones, "AND I AM THE GUARDIAN OF THE ~*BOOB FAIRY*~!"
"Crapbaskets!" you yelp, ears still ringing. "I forgot about Dre!"
"I'M CERTAIN YOU DID!" she screeches, thumping a taloned foot into the dune. "THIS CHALLENGE WAS DESIGNED TO TEST YOUR ENDURANCE, AND BY FAILING TO REMEMBER I WOULD APPEAR HERE, YOU HAVE FAILED IN YOUR QUEST!" She cackles raucously, flapping her wings and knocking you head over heels backwards onto the sand. You know, the fire sand. The sand that is always on fire.
"ACK! OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW" you screech, as the blistering-hot sand scalds your cheek and hands as you attempt to push yourself back to your feet. You can feel tears welling up in your eyes, and you bite your lip to stifle them. "What is your DEAL?! How was I supposed to know you'd show up at the healing spring? That's a really dick move!"
Dre raises an eyebrow, wings drooping to her back. "WAIT. YOU DIDN'T KNOW I WAS GOING TO BE HERE?" She seems confused, now, more than anything. "BUT... THAT'S... THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO KNOW I'M GOING TO BE HERE, AND THEN YOU GIVE ME THE PASSWORD, AND THEN I ACCEPT YOU AS WORTHY AND FLY YOU TO THE ~*BOOB FAIRY*~'S CAVE. THAT'S HOW IT ALWAYS WORKS! DIDN'T YOU BUY THE OFFICIAL STRATEGY GUIDE?"
"It was too expensive after all the other stuff!" you whimper, sniffling ungraciously. "I thought this was gonna be just a thing where I walked for a while and hit things with my sword and then I'd get to see the ~*BOOB FAIRY*~! I didn't know there were gonna be passwords and tests and riddles and junk!" You're sobbing kinda grossly right now, honestly.
"OH," booms Dre, before her voice drops down to something less ear-shattering. "Oh, oh sweetie, I'm so sorry, here, h-hold on," she says, trotting over and wrapping a wing around you. "Look, just... oh geez, okay, that's a lot of tears, just get into the healing spring, alright?" She gently tugs you into the spring, and you feel the burns start to vanish as healing energy pours into your body. Your neck still has a crick in it, though.
"Look, I'll level with you, hon, this job's just a paycheck to me," she squawks. "This is the first time anybody hasn't, you know, already known the rules. I mean there's only so many jobs when you're a 20-foot tall griffon with a halo made of frozen fire."
You sniffle and look at her, wiping your cheeks with your hand. "What IS up with that halo thing?"
She shrugs noncommittally. "I dunno. Genetic? Whatever. Look, you seem like a really nice kid, so I'm sorry about all the bluster, I figured you'd know it was coming. Um... hey, are you still set on seeing the ~*BOOB FAIRY*~?"
You nod vigorously, managing what you hope is a confident grin. "Uh huh! I trained for six months for this! I'm not giving up now!"
"Well... okay, I'll make an exception. Climb on my back!" Dre flexes her wings powerfully, smirking. Which is weird, given she has a beak, and beaks can't normally do that. Maybe that's what the halo does! "Just, you know, fair warning..." she says, as you clamber onto her back. "The ~*BOOB FAIRY*~ can be a little intimidating."
---
Three hours after Dre dropped you off at the cave atop MOUNT BODACIOUS, you're wondering if she's still waiting for you. You've been killing monsters for a LONG time now. GIRL FRIDAY is getting a serious workout. You even had to use some of the super-special techniques on that ogre, like the THUNDERBOLT CUT and RAGING SLICE.
Wait, you think to yourself, as you whirl around and decapitate another goblin. Aren't all the special moves just, like, slightly different ways of swinging it? What's special about that? You punctuate your thought by puncturing a floating eyeball, which explodes in a flash of sparks and lightning. I mean, it's a really good sword and all, but I'm not sure 'swing in a half-circle then stab forward' is any more special than just stabbing someone normal-style. A vampire lord tries to turn into a swarm of bats at you, but you just punch him in the mouth.
Honestly, you're getting really tired of this. Like, not the monster-killing, though that's tiring too, but mostly just all the runaround this is taking. Like, nothing ELSE ever took this much crap. Used to be you'd slay a couple demons, punch a necromancer or two, seal an evil gemstone, and you'd be done inside an hour and bam, quest done. Why does THIS have to be so complicated? It's not like you're questing for ultimate power or immortality or the secret language of the gods. You're just here for a set of bangin' tits. It seems awfully disproportionate to the level of your request.
Then, gazing down from the crystalline catwalk you've been fighting ghouls on for the last ten minutes, in the distant depths of the cave, you see a shimmering emerald door. Oh, that HAS to be it! But there's like a kazillion hate-wraiths between you and it. "Hell with this," you snarl, and yank your dress' transformation bow. Your skirt stretches out into a vast canopy, and you leap from the catwalk, the skirt catching the air like a parachute as you lazily drift down to the door. Amazingly, nobody pursues you: the wraiths just kind of stare in awe, as though they've never seen anybody try just... going around them. As your heels hit the ground, you yank the bow again, returning your skirt to normal-size, brush it off idly, check your reflection in the door, then wave goodbye to the wraiths and punt it open, quickly slamming it shut before they realize what just happened and try to stop you.
On the other side of the door is... huh. It's a waiting room, complete with fake plants, crummy muzak, and 7-year-old lifestyle magazines in a basket. Confidently, you stride up to the counter, ready to present yourself to the receptionist. "I'm here to see the ~*BOOB FAIRY*~," you declare proudly, hands on your hips in a gesture of accomplishment.
The receptionist, an incredibly bored-looking lizardman with a tacky tie, looks up at you from his magazine. "Do you have an appointment?"
"...an appointment?" You were supposed to make an APPOINTMENT? How do you do THAT? This place doesn't have a fricking phone number, it's a secret magical cave! "N-no?" you say, chuckling nervously. "I-is that a p-problem?" you manage, voice cracking slightly.
The saurian rolls his eyes, pointing to a sign on the wall that reads 'CONSULTS BY APPOINTMENT ONLY: NO WALK-INS.' It's funny; you can actually FEEL your pupils dilate. The crick in your neck sends an angry spike of pain up into the top of your noggin, making a vein in your forehead throb. "What... do you mean... no walk-ins?" you slowly whimper, hand drifting to GIRL FRIDAY's hilt before you clutch your wrist with your other hand.
"We're very busy, as you can see," he drawls, gesturing to the entirely empty waiting room.
"BUT THERE'S NOBODY ELSE HERE!" you screech, entirely unable to control yourself.
"Nevertheless, we are very busy, and make consults by appointment only. You really should have called ahead." He pauses, looking you over, and chuckles softly. "Didn't you buy the official strategy guide?"
---
About ten seconds later, the retaining wall between the waiting room and the ~*BOOB FAIRY*~'s mystical fountain shatters into a hurricane of drywall and cheap particle board as you smash the receptionist's body through it like a sledgehammer. You spike his limp, unconscious body into the water before hiking up your skirt and daintily stepping over the wreckage. "Hi! I'm Estera, and I'm here for my appointment." You cast a gaze to the lizardman. "He was napping on the job, but later you can confirm with him that I DO have an appointment."
The ~*BOOB FAIRY*~, at last, stands before you. You're not really sure what you were expecting, but she's mostly just a prim-looking middle-aged woman in a nice business suit, a magic wand tucked into the breast pocket, with a pair of enormous glittery wings. You... guess that makes sense, even if you were hoping for something a little more... fantastical.
"Yes, yes, dear. Before we proceed I'll need to know what size you're looking for," she says in a tone entirely devoid of warmth. Yeesh, ice queen. No bedside manner at all.
"W-well... um... I thought about it a lot, and... well... I was hoping for really, really, REALLY big ones! I've waited a long time for this and I told myself, 'Estera, if you ever get to this point, it's gonna be one cup-size for every year you had to wait,' so I was thinking something in a H-cup at least, but really you can go bigger if you want, I wouldn't mind at all, an-" You're stopped by the ~*BOOB FAIRY*~ clicking her tongue irritatedly.
"No. I don't think that'd do," she says, pulling out a clipboard and pen and scribbling something with an air of weary irritation.
"...I'm sorry?" you squeak out. You can feel your forehead throbbing again. "Could you... repeat that?"
"I don't do anything above a C-cup, dear. Too brazen. Unhealthy body image, that sort of thing. Think of the reputation I'd get!"
"Y-you... you don't..." you stammer. You'd swear you can smell burnt ozone wafting off of you.
"It just wouldn't do. Now, if you'll sign this," she says, handing the clipboard to you, "we can get started with your first session. I expect about, oh, 5,000 gold per session, and it'll take roughly 10 sessions for a start, so just sign here anURRKK" She doesn't finish, mostly because you've snapped the clipboard into four pieces and stuffed them into her mouth.
"NO!" you screech, stamping your BATTLE BOOT into the marble floor of the fountain hard enough to send a spiderweb of stress fractures radiating outwards. "Are you KIDDING ME?! Do you KNOW what I had to go through to GET HERE?!" The ~*BOOB FAIRY*~ recoils backwards, but before she can slink away you grab her by her suit jacket. "EIGHT YEARS! EIGHT YEARS OF QUESTING. It was bad ENOUGH getting the gold I needed for a wizard to fix my junk," you snarl, pointing angrily at your crotch. "That took THREE YEARS of killing monsters and exploring ruins and saving princesses, ALL OF WHOM LOOKED PRETTIER THAN ME!"
"And THEN, do you know how hard it was to find someone who not only COULD do alteration and glamour spells, but was WILLING to do so for me? That took FOUR years, because for some reason every transfiguration specialist in Adventure City is a GIANT PRUDE! Look at these cute, pouting lips, rosy red cheeks, and enormous green eyes! Those are payment for BLOOD, SWEAT, and TEARS, you colossal JERKWAD!" The ~*BOOB FAIRY*~ is cowering, and seems to be trying to decide if she should speak up or just keep chewing on balsa wood.
"And then there's YOU. I trained SIX MONTHS to see you. And this whole day, I have gotten NOTHING but grief. What the heck is your DEAL, lady?! Why is this so HARD?! I'm not asking for anything hard, I just want humongous fricking boobs! Why is that locked-off behind the world's most depressing forest, a desert made of fire, and like ten thousand zombies and ghouls and crap?! And then I finally GET HERE, and there's a mean receptionist, and I have to have an appointment, and then you won't even give them to me? I PUNCHED A VAMPIRE, FOR CROM'S SAKE!"
She manages, finally, to spit out the broken clipboard. "W-well, miss, if you'd read the official strategy gui-"
You cut her off with a resounding, brutal SLAP to the cheek. "NO. NONE OF THAT. I am THROUGH listening to all this garbage on account of some big meanie who insists I pronounce her name with asterisks and tildes. Which by the way WHAT THE HELL IS THAT EVEN?!" You yank the magic wand out of her pocket, press it into her palm, and glare, pointing to the exposed neckline of your battle-dress. "You see where my hand is?" you ask her, and she nods placatingly. "THAT is the fill-line. You do whatever the heck voodoo it is you do, and until my breasts are making the seams of my dress creak, you keep doing it. NO QUESTIONS ASKED. UNDERSTOOD?!"
"Y-yes, ma'am," she yips out, swallowing nervously.
You breathe out heavily, smiling. "Was that REALLY so hard?"
---
You know, you have to say, your dress had a LOT more give than you expected in the chest area. This is actually kind of making the crick in your neck worse. But it's worth it! They may be ridiculous and ostentatious, but they're yours! You make a mental note to do a lot more back exercises to support them, because wow, your balance is WAY off. Still, you feel pretty damn awesome as you exit the cave. Dre is curled up taking a nap; wow, she actually waited. You decide to just poke her head until she comes to.
"Mmmgh. Bluh. What time is it? Oh, hey thhhhhholy BLAP, girl," she caws, eyes widening in shock. "What HAPPENED in there?"
"You do NOT want to know," you say, rolling your eyes.
"Well, uh, you certainly got your money's-worth," the griffon says, unable to stop staring.
"That's the best part! I got it for free!" you squeal, bouncing on your heels and giggling as Dre's eyes follow your chest. "Well, okay, technically I got it in exchange for not giving anyone a swirly in the magical fountain. But that's close enough to free for me."
"Wow. So... huh. Okay, do you wanna go home now?" You pause, thinking about it.
"Actually, are you doing anything tonight?" you ask, raising an eyebrow.
"Nah. Was just gonna fly back home and watch TV. Why?"
You smirk and lean in. "Wanna go get a beer? My treat."
She flutters her wings slightly, grinning. "Hell yeah. None of that fancy elven crap, though, it gives me a headache."
And so, as you climb onto Dre's back and make for the nearest griffon-accessible tavern, you smile happily, hugging yourself. First thing tomorrow: shopping for a decent sports-bra.
-THE END-
Okay. Today is the day. Nothing's gonna stop me now, you think to yourself, hand drifting to the handle of your magical sword, GIRL FRIDAY, which is carefully sheathed in a really quite fetching scabbard that came with your IMPRACTICALLY FRILLY DRESS-ARMOR. It cost a bunch of gold, but you really think it was worth it! It accentuates what you think are your best features! Well, you think darkly, looking down at the empty corset, flapping against your bare chest sadly in the morning wind, MOST of my best features.
It's also really easy to clean bloodstains off of, which is important when you are a KNIGHT-ERRANT. You're also not sure why you capitalize KNIGHT-ERRANT when you think about it. You just think that seems important! I really hope this goes well, you think, as you adjust the complicated series of straps and buckles that keep your array of adventuring gear hooked to your dress. Your life as a warrior has culminated in this quest. Heck, you started adventuring specifically so you COULD do this quest. It's like, THE quest!
"Today is the day," you announce, audibly this time. "Today is the day I quest for the favor of the ~*BOOB FAIRY*~!" You grin at the dawning sun, then crack your knuckles in what you imagine is a particularly badass fashion. Experimentally, you try to crack your neck too, an-
C-R-R-ICCKKKK.
"OW! OW OW OW OW OW SONUVA-" is all you manage to get off before your pained twitching makes you trip over the 3-inch heel of one your BATTLE BOOTS and sends you tumbling down the hill.
---
You're still nursing your aching neck and trying to make sure the skirt of your dress covers up your skinned knees as you reach the first station of the quest, the FOREST OF TOTAL ANGUISH. It is said the BEAST OF ABSOLUTE DESPAIR dwells here, to watch those who would seek the ~*BOOB FAIRY*~ and judge their worthiness.
The forest is dim, dark, and like, totally forlorn and junk. It is cast in perpetual twilight, trees stripped of their leaves, empty of life and dead-silent save for the sound of your breathing. Well, your breathing and you saying 'ow' every couple of minutes as you rub your neck. You're starting to wonder if you're even on the right path; according to the guidebook you got from AdventureStop, you were supposed to encounter the BEAST OF ABSOLUTE DESPAIR like four healing springs ago! Ugh, this is what you get for not buying the 'official' strategy guide, but after paying for your IMPRACTICALLY FRILLY DRESS-ARMOR, money was tight. You're JUST about to give up and go home in a huff, when you hear a hoarse whispering from beyond the tree-line.
"yOuUuUuUuUuU..." it drones, in what sounds like some kind off-key warble. "nObOdY aAaAaAaAaCtUaLlY lIkEsSsSsSsSsSs YoUuUuU..."
"Oh you have got to be kidding me," you mutter to yourself. It's a SADNESS IMP. THAT'S the BEAST OF ABSOLUTE DESPAIR? That's like a level 3 monster! All they do is say your innermost doubts in a freaky voice. You've banished like nine gazillion of these things already. You put your hands on your hips and sigh loudly. "Look, it's not gonna work, you big dork!" you call out to the forest. "I have WAY too many points into Self-Confidence."
"bUt WhAt AbOuT yOuR dReSsSsSsSsS? iT's So TrAsHy-LoOkInG..." he mumbles from somewhere out of sight.
"First of all, how I dress myself is none of your beeswax," you shout back, pouting. "And secondly, I look awesome and I KNOW IT, so why don't you knock off the creepy muttering and just come out here so I can banish you back to the Plane of Elemental Creepiness, okay? I promise it won't hurt much, my sword is SUPER-sharp." There's a lengthy pause, and for a moment the forest is silent once more.
"...pRoMiSsSsSsSe?" comes the reply.
"Yes, I promise!" you say cheerfully. There's the sound of cracking twigs and crunching dirt as the lanky, shadowy figure of the imp sidles up to you from out of the treeline. Honestly, he's kinda pitiable; most Sadness Imps are. They just can't help being downers.
"i JuSt WaNt YoU tO kNoW, yOu ArEn'T vEry pReTtY. sOrRy, I hAvE tO sAy ThAt," he murmurs, kicking the ground... well, sadly, raising a tiny little cloud of dust. With a swift, fluid motion, you draw GIRL FRIDAY and sever his head in a single smooth stroke, the imp's body splattering into a puddle of musty ink.
"I'm sorry too, little guy," you say, wiping a spatter of ink off your cheek.
---
Okay, well, THAT was awkward! But at least you're through the forest, and into the PLAINS OF ENDLESS HEAT. Which, really, are pretty aptly-named, given all the FIRE. I mean, the whole place is made of FIRE SAND, which is permanently on fire, which is pretty nuts to be honest. But after this, there's only one more station to go on the Quest, so you grit your teeth, roll up your sleeves, and pull the CONVENIENT BOW OF TRANSFORMATION on the front of your dress, your voluminous bell-skirt transforming into a stylish miniskirt! That should keep you from sweating too much.
"Okay," you murmur, flipping through the guidebook, "according to this the next challenge is... Dre." Wait, what? What kind of a challenge is DRE? The book doesn't have any details on this 'Dre,' which is... a little worrying. Ugh, fricking off-brand strategy guides! You swear after this you're buying only official Questendo(tm) products.
With nothing else to do, you start walking. And walking. And WALKING. You have to be careful; with all the fire sand, tripping up or stopping would burn like the dickens. It feels like days, but it's impossible to tell since the sun is perpetually hanging dead-center in the middle of the sky. Even with your dress reconfigured to something less impractical, you're sweating like a hog, and you haven't seen a healing spring since you got here. Whoever designed this quest area was a big meanie. Your limbs are sapped by the oppressive heat, to the point that you're praying no monsters show up; you couldn't even lift your sword to righteously smite them right now.
And then... hope. Off in the distance, you see a shimmering glow, and borne aloft on the breeze is the pleasant hum of healing magical energies. A healing spring! Your face splits into a grin as you feel energy return to your body, bounding across the dunes. You cry out with relief, and you're nearly at the spring when you hear the beat of massive wings thundering down from the sky. Before you can reach the cool, refreshing waters of the spring, a vast griffon with glowing green eyes, a halo of frozen fire, and INCREDIBLY dramatic eyeshadow crashes to sands before you. "I AM DRE," she bellows, shaking you down to your bones, "AND I AM THE GUARDIAN OF THE ~*BOOB FAIRY*~!"
"Crapbaskets!" you yelp, ears still ringing. "I forgot about Dre!"
"I'M CERTAIN YOU DID!" she screeches, thumping a taloned foot into the dune. "THIS CHALLENGE WAS DESIGNED TO TEST YOUR ENDURANCE, AND BY FAILING TO REMEMBER I WOULD APPEAR HERE, YOU HAVE FAILED IN YOUR QUEST!" She cackles raucously, flapping her wings and knocking you head over heels backwards onto the sand. You know, the fire sand. The sand that is always on fire.
"ACK! OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW" you screech, as the blistering-hot sand scalds your cheek and hands as you attempt to push yourself back to your feet. You can feel tears welling up in your eyes, and you bite your lip to stifle them. "What is your DEAL?! How was I supposed to know you'd show up at the healing spring? That's a really dick move!"
Dre raises an eyebrow, wings drooping to her back. "WAIT. YOU DIDN'T KNOW I WAS GOING TO BE HERE?" She seems confused, now, more than anything. "BUT... THAT'S... THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO KNOW I'M GOING TO BE HERE, AND THEN YOU GIVE ME THE PASSWORD, AND THEN I ACCEPT YOU AS WORTHY AND FLY YOU TO THE ~*BOOB FAIRY*~'S CAVE. THAT'S HOW IT ALWAYS WORKS! DIDN'T YOU BUY THE OFFICIAL STRATEGY GUIDE?"
"It was too expensive after all the other stuff!" you whimper, sniffling ungraciously. "I thought this was gonna be just a thing where I walked for a while and hit things with my sword and then I'd get to see the ~*BOOB FAIRY*~! I didn't know there were gonna be passwords and tests and riddles and junk!" You're sobbing kinda grossly right now, honestly.
"OH," booms Dre, before her voice drops down to something less ear-shattering. "Oh, oh sweetie, I'm so sorry, here, h-hold on," she says, trotting over and wrapping a wing around you. "Look, just... oh geez, okay, that's a lot of tears, just get into the healing spring, alright?" She gently tugs you into the spring, and you feel the burns start to vanish as healing energy pours into your body. Your neck still has a crick in it, though.
"Look, I'll level with you, hon, this job's just a paycheck to me," she squawks. "This is the first time anybody hasn't, you know, already known the rules. I mean there's only so many jobs when you're a 20-foot tall griffon with a halo made of frozen fire."
You sniffle and look at her, wiping your cheeks with your hand. "What IS up with that halo thing?"
She shrugs noncommittally. "I dunno. Genetic? Whatever. Look, you seem like a really nice kid, so I'm sorry about all the bluster, I figured you'd know it was coming. Um... hey, are you still set on seeing the ~*BOOB FAIRY*~?"
You nod vigorously, managing what you hope is a confident grin. "Uh huh! I trained for six months for this! I'm not giving up now!"
"Well... okay, I'll make an exception. Climb on my back!" Dre flexes her wings powerfully, smirking. Which is weird, given she has a beak, and beaks can't normally do that. Maybe that's what the halo does! "Just, you know, fair warning..." she says, as you clamber onto her back. "The ~*BOOB FAIRY*~ can be a little intimidating."
---
Three hours after Dre dropped you off at the cave atop MOUNT BODACIOUS, you're wondering if she's still waiting for you. You've been killing monsters for a LONG time now. GIRL FRIDAY is getting a serious workout. You even had to use some of the super-special techniques on that ogre, like the THUNDERBOLT CUT and RAGING SLICE.
Wait, you think to yourself, as you whirl around and decapitate another goblin. Aren't all the special moves just, like, slightly different ways of swinging it? What's special about that? You punctuate your thought by puncturing a floating eyeball, which explodes in a flash of sparks and lightning. I mean, it's a really good sword and all, but I'm not sure 'swing in a half-circle then stab forward' is any more special than just stabbing someone normal-style. A vampire lord tries to turn into a swarm of bats at you, but you just punch him in the mouth.
Honestly, you're getting really tired of this. Like, not the monster-killing, though that's tiring too, but mostly just all the runaround this is taking. Like, nothing ELSE ever took this much crap. Used to be you'd slay a couple demons, punch a necromancer or two, seal an evil gemstone, and you'd be done inside an hour and bam, quest done. Why does THIS have to be so complicated? It's not like you're questing for ultimate power or immortality or the secret language of the gods. You're just here for a set of bangin' tits. It seems awfully disproportionate to the level of your request.
Then, gazing down from the crystalline catwalk you've been fighting ghouls on for the last ten minutes, in the distant depths of the cave, you see a shimmering emerald door. Oh, that HAS to be it! But there's like a kazillion hate-wraiths between you and it. "Hell with this," you snarl, and yank your dress' transformation bow. Your skirt stretches out into a vast canopy, and you leap from the catwalk, the skirt catching the air like a parachute as you lazily drift down to the door. Amazingly, nobody pursues you: the wraiths just kind of stare in awe, as though they've never seen anybody try just... going around them. As your heels hit the ground, you yank the bow again, returning your skirt to normal-size, brush it off idly, check your reflection in the door, then wave goodbye to the wraiths and punt it open, quickly slamming it shut before they realize what just happened and try to stop you.
On the other side of the door is... huh. It's a waiting room, complete with fake plants, crummy muzak, and 7-year-old lifestyle magazines in a basket. Confidently, you stride up to the counter, ready to present yourself to the receptionist. "I'm here to see the ~*BOOB FAIRY*~," you declare proudly, hands on your hips in a gesture of accomplishment.
The receptionist, an incredibly bored-looking lizardman with a tacky tie, looks up at you from his magazine. "Do you have an appointment?"
"...an appointment?" You were supposed to make an APPOINTMENT? How do you do THAT? This place doesn't have a fricking phone number, it's a secret magical cave! "N-no?" you say, chuckling nervously. "I-is that a p-problem?" you manage, voice cracking slightly.
The saurian rolls his eyes, pointing to a sign on the wall that reads 'CONSULTS BY APPOINTMENT ONLY: NO WALK-INS.' It's funny; you can actually FEEL your pupils dilate. The crick in your neck sends an angry spike of pain up into the top of your noggin, making a vein in your forehead throb. "What... do you mean... no walk-ins?" you slowly whimper, hand drifting to GIRL FRIDAY's hilt before you clutch your wrist with your other hand.
"We're very busy, as you can see," he drawls, gesturing to the entirely empty waiting room.
"BUT THERE'S NOBODY ELSE HERE!" you screech, entirely unable to control yourself.
"Nevertheless, we are very busy, and make consults by appointment only. You really should have called ahead." He pauses, looking you over, and chuckles softly. "Didn't you buy the official strategy guide?"
---
About ten seconds later, the retaining wall between the waiting room and the ~*BOOB FAIRY*~'s mystical fountain shatters into a hurricane of drywall and cheap particle board as you smash the receptionist's body through it like a sledgehammer. You spike his limp, unconscious body into the water before hiking up your skirt and daintily stepping over the wreckage. "Hi! I'm Estera, and I'm here for my appointment." You cast a gaze to the lizardman. "He was napping on the job, but later you can confirm with him that I DO have an appointment."
The ~*BOOB FAIRY*~, at last, stands before you. You're not really sure what you were expecting, but she's mostly just a prim-looking middle-aged woman in a nice business suit, a magic wand tucked into the breast pocket, with a pair of enormous glittery wings. You... guess that makes sense, even if you were hoping for something a little more... fantastical.
"Yes, yes, dear. Before we proceed I'll need to know what size you're looking for," she says in a tone entirely devoid of warmth. Yeesh, ice queen. No bedside manner at all.
"W-well... um... I thought about it a lot, and... well... I was hoping for really, really, REALLY big ones! I've waited a long time for this and I told myself, 'Estera, if you ever get to this point, it's gonna be one cup-size for every year you had to wait,' so I was thinking something in a H-cup at least, but really you can go bigger if you want, I wouldn't mind at all, an-" You're stopped by the ~*BOOB FAIRY*~ clicking her tongue irritatedly.
"No. I don't think that'd do," she says, pulling out a clipboard and pen and scribbling something with an air of weary irritation.
"...I'm sorry?" you squeak out. You can feel your forehead throbbing again. "Could you... repeat that?"
"I don't do anything above a C-cup, dear. Too brazen. Unhealthy body image, that sort of thing. Think of the reputation I'd get!"
"Y-you... you don't..." you stammer. You'd swear you can smell burnt ozone wafting off of you.
"It just wouldn't do. Now, if you'll sign this," she says, handing the clipboard to you, "we can get started with your first session. I expect about, oh, 5,000 gold per session, and it'll take roughly 10 sessions for a start, so just sign here anURRKK" She doesn't finish, mostly because you've snapped the clipboard into four pieces and stuffed them into her mouth.
"NO!" you screech, stamping your BATTLE BOOT into the marble floor of the fountain hard enough to send a spiderweb of stress fractures radiating outwards. "Are you KIDDING ME?! Do you KNOW what I had to go through to GET HERE?!" The ~*BOOB FAIRY*~ recoils backwards, but before she can slink away you grab her by her suit jacket. "EIGHT YEARS! EIGHT YEARS OF QUESTING. It was bad ENOUGH getting the gold I needed for a wizard to fix my junk," you snarl, pointing angrily at your crotch. "That took THREE YEARS of killing monsters and exploring ruins and saving princesses, ALL OF WHOM LOOKED PRETTIER THAN ME!"
"And THEN, do you know how hard it was to find someone who not only COULD do alteration and glamour spells, but was WILLING to do so for me? That took FOUR years, because for some reason every transfiguration specialist in Adventure City is a GIANT PRUDE! Look at these cute, pouting lips, rosy red cheeks, and enormous green eyes! Those are payment for BLOOD, SWEAT, and TEARS, you colossal JERKWAD!" The ~*BOOB FAIRY*~ is cowering, and seems to be trying to decide if she should speak up or just keep chewing on balsa wood.
"And then there's YOU. I trained SIX MONTHS to see you. And this whole day, I have gotten NOTHING but grief. What the heck is your DEAL, lady?! Why is this so HARD?! I'm not asking for anything hard, I just want humongous fricking boobs! Why is that locked-off behind the world's most depressing forest, a desert made of fire, and like ten thousand zombies and ghouls and crap?! And then I finally GET HERE, and there's a mean receptionist, and I have to have an appointment, and then you won't even give them to me? I PUNCHED A VAMPIRE, FOR CROM'S SAKE!"
She manages, finally, to spit out the broken clipboard. "W-well, miss, if you'd read the official strategy gui-"
You cut her off with a resounding, brutal SLAP to the cheek. "NO. NONE OF THAT. I am THROUGH listening to all this garbage on account of some big meanie who insists I pronounce her name with asterisks and tildes. Which by the way WHAT THE HELL IS THAT EVEN?!" You yank the magic wand out of her pocket, press it into her palm, and glare, pointing to the exposed neckline of your battle-dress. "You see where my hand is?" you ask her, and she nods placatingly. "THAT is the fill-line. You do whatever the heck voodoo it is you do, and until my breasts are making the seams of my dress creak, you keep doing it. NO QUESTIONS ASKED. UNDERSTOOD?!"
"Y-yes, ma'am," she yips out, swallowing nervously.
You breathe out heavily, smiling. "Was that REALLY so hard?"
---
You know, you have to say, your dress had a LOT more give than you expected in the chest area. This is actually kind of making the crick in your neck worse. But it's worth it! They may be ridiculous and ostentatious, but they're yours! You make a mental note to do a lot more back exercises to support them, because wow, your balance is WAY off. Still, you feel pretty damn awesome as you exit the cave. Dre is curled up taking a nap; wow, she actually waited. You decide to just poke her head until she comes to.
"Mmmgh. Bluh. What time is it? Oh, hey thhhhhholy BLAP, girl," she caws, eyes widening in shock. "What HAPPENED in there?"
"You do NOT want to know," you say, rolling your eyes.
"Well, uh, you certainly got your money's-worth," the griffon says, unable to stop staring.
"That's the best part! I got it for free!" you squeal, bouncing on your heels and giggling as Dre's eyes follow your chest. "Well, okay, technically I got it in exchange for not giving anyone a swirly in the magical fountain. But that's close enough to free for me."
"Wow. So... huh. Okay, do you wanna go home now?" You pause, thinking about it.
"Actually, are you doing anything tonight?" you ask, raising an eyebrow.
"Nah. Was just gonna fly back home and watch TV. Why?"
You smirk and lean in. "Wanna go get a beer? My treat."
She flutters her wings slightly, grinning. "Hell yeah. None of that fancy elven crap, though, it gives me a headache."
And so, as you climb onto Dre's back and make for the nearest griffon-accessible tavern, you smile happily, hugging yourself. First thing tomorrow: shopping for a decent sports-bra.
-THE END-
no subject
Date: 2015-02-22 06:41 am (UTC)*bricked*
no subject
Date: 2015-02-22 03:13 pm (UTC)Otherwise, go get those boobs, Adventure Woman. (In every sense of the word.)
no subject
Date: 2015-03-22 01:09 am (UTC)*ahem*
this story is feckin' rad.