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houraipeachSo, I'm still feeling sort of cruddy lately. A lot of this is tied to my decision to back out of running the Hospitality Suite at Foolscap this year... sort of. I do feel a little shitty at doing so at functionally the last minute, but frankly, I stand by my decision to do so for a number of reasons. Number one being that I'm just genuinely NOT up to doing something that involves interacting with total strangers and the inherent requirement of being cheerful and welcoming, particularly given that last time I worked Hospitality I ended up having to have multiple lengthy conversations with Goodspaceguy. But number two, and probably the more important factor: I wasn't getting paid for it.
Frankly, I'm really starting to chafe at the notion that my labor is worth, functionally, nothing. And I don't have the time or energy to spend on attending an event where I am expected to work lengthy, early-morning to late-night shifts for the privilege of having gaggles of crusty old sci-fi nerds expound at me at length about how out-of-touch young people are, particularly not without actual compensation. Hell, I wasn't even going to be comped a hotel room; I was expected to pay full-price admission for the privilege of working, which is kind of a kick in the pants given I did that last year and I didn't even get my name in the conbook staff list. Bluntly: I am tired of doing labor for free, with nothing but the vague prospect of 'satisfaction at a job well done' dangled as the carrot in front of my nose.
Let me explain something here. I have an income of $0. I spent roughly $400 to $500 over the holidays, of which I managed to successfully recoup about $100. My wonderful, ever-thrifty and ever-working partner Daikanu manages to keep us afloat largely because he is a wildly popular commission artist, but the fact remains that I have no disposable income whatsoever and very little that I can actually call my own. I have no savings, no job prospects, and no functional capacity to work a retail job(the last two times I did, I had on-the-job nervous breakdowns). I have no health insurance, and no ability to pay for even the cheapest coverage even if I could get any. And then there is of course the fact that someday, I hope to actually have gender reassignment and fully transition to being a girl, which once more, I am somehow supposed to accomplish with zero money.
These facts have been making me rather irritable, of late. As I see my friends and loved ones all managing, in some fashion or another, to either begin, continue, or reach the endpoint of their journeys into identity self-assertion, I have remained frustratingly stagnant. And frankly... I'm not sure that's ever going to change, because I don't have the ability to make money the way more technically-inclined members of our community can. Dai's income is decent, but it's still only just above Seattle minimum wage and that's not a lot to support two people on; the likelihood that he's going to be able to bankroll my transition is slim to none. Which leaves me in the aggravating, frankly soul-crushing position of sitting by and bearing witness to personal transformations I increasingly believe I will never be able to afford to experience. All because I don't meet the arbitrary financial gating-point society has decided to lock these services behind.
I'm 27 years old. I'll be 28 this summer. And while in many ways my situation is infinitely, staggeringly better than what I am used to, it is still unacceptably stifling. Not only is transition no closer, it feels further away than it has ever been in my entire life. And if anything, I fear my ability to actually self-determine in the crushing shitmire that is the modern economic landscape is at an all-time low. I am reliant, utterly, on help that may not ever come, and the only option I am left with is praying that it does. Unless money just starts falling out of the goddamn sky, I am pretty much certain at this point in my life that I will NEVER get to become the girl I want to be.
I am, simply put, not valuable enough to deserve it.
---
EDIT: Since I seem to need to clarify this, yes, I am aware nobody who works for the con is getting comped anything and that it is a purely volunteer effort. I am not trying to badmouth it because of this, simply stating how that and my lack of personal interest in the event dovetailed with larger concerns about the value of my time and energy. This is not me trying to give the con bad press or 'blaming it' for anything.
Frankly, I'm really starting to chafe at the notion that my labor is worth, functionally, nothing. And I don't have the time or energy to spend on attending an event where I am expected to work lengthy, early-morning to late-night shifts for the privilege of having gaggles of crusty old sci-fi nerds expound at me at length about how out-of-touch young people are, particularly not without actual compensation. Hell, I wasn't even going to be comped a hotel room; I was expected to pay full-price admission for the privilege of working, which is kind of a kick in the pants given I did that last year and I didn't even get my name in the conbook staff list. Bluntly: I am tired of doing labor for free, with nothing but the vague prospect of 'satisfaction at a job well done' dangled as the carrot in front of my nose.
Let me explain something here. I have an income of $0. I spent roughly $400 to $500 over the holidays, of which I managed to successfully recoup about $100. My wonderful, ever-thrifty and ever-working partner Daikanu manages to keep us afloat largely because he is a wildly popular commission artist, but the fact remains that I have no disposable income whatsoever and very little that I can actually call my own. I have no savings, no job prospects, and no functional capacity to work a retail job(the last two times I did, I had on-the-job nervous breakdowns). I have no health insurance, and no ability to pay for even the cheapest coverage even if I could get any. And then there is of course the fact that someday, I hope to actually have gender reassignment and fully transition to being a girl, which once more, I am somehow supposed to accomplish with zero money.
These facts have been making me rather irritable, of late. As I see my friends and loved ones all managing, in some fashion or another, to either begin, continue, or reach the endpoint of their journeys into identity self-assertion, I have remained frustratingly stagnant. And frankly... I'm not sure that's ever going to change, because I don't have the ability to make money the way more technically-inclined members of our community can. Dai's income is decent, but it's still only just above Seattle minimum wage and that's not a lot to support two people on; the likelihood that he's going to be able to bankroll my transition is slim to none. Which leaves me in the aggravating, frankly soul-crushing position of sitting by and bearing witness to personal transformations I increasingly believe I will never be able to afford to experience. All because I don't meet the arbitrary financial gating-point society has decided to lock these services behind.
I'm 27 years old. I'll be 28 this summer. And while in many ways my situation is infinitely, staggeringly better than what I am used to, it is still unacceptably stifling. Not only is transition no closer, it feels further away than it has ever been in my entire life. And if anything, I fear my ability to actually self-determine in the crushing shitmire that is the modern economic landscape is at an all-time low. I am reliant, utterly, on help that may not ever come, and the only option I am left with is praying that it does. Unless money just starts falling out of the goddamn sky, I am pretty much certain at this point in my life that I will NEVER get to become the girl I want to be.
I am, simply put, not valuable enough to deserve it.
---
EDIT: Since I seem to need to clarify this, yes, I am aware nobody who works for the con is getting comped anything and that it is a purely volunteer effort. I am not trying to badmouth it because of this, simply stating how that and my lack of personal interest in the event dovetailed with larger concerns about the value of my time and energy. This is not me trying to give the con bad press or 'blaming it' for anything.
