value

[houraipeach]

So, I'm still feeling sort of cruddy lately. A lot of this is tied to my decision to back out of running the Hospitality Suite at Foolscap this year... sort of. I do feel a little shitty at doing so at functionally the last minute, but frankly, I stand by my decision to do so for a number of reasons. Number one being that I'm just genuinely NOT up to doing something that involves interacting with total strangers and the inherent requirement of being cheerful and welcoming, particularly given that last time I worked Hospitality I ended up having to have multiple lengthy conversations with Goodspaceguy. But number two, and probably the more important factor: I wasn't getting paid for it.

Frankly, I'm really starting to chafe at the notion that my labor is worth, functionally, nothing. And I don't have the time or energy to spend on attending an event where I am expected to work lengthy, early-morning to late-night shifts for the privilege of having gaggles of crusty old sci-fi nerds expound at me at length about how out-of-touch young people are, particularly not without actual compensation. Hell, I wasn't even going to be comped a hotel room; I was expected to pay full-price admission for the privilege of working, which is kind of a kick in the pants given I did that last year and I didn't even get my name in the conbook staff list. Bluntly: I am tired of doing labor for free, with nothing but the vague prospect of 'satisfaction at a job well done' dangled as the carrot in front of my nose.

Let me explain something here. I have an income of $0. I spent roughly $400 to $500 over the holidays, of which I managed to successfully recoup about $100. My wonderful, ever-thrifty and ever-working partner Daikanu manages to keep us afloat largely because he is a wildly popular commission artist, but the fact remains that I have no disposable income whatsoever and very little that I can actually call my own. I have no savings, no job prospects, and no functional capacity to work a retail job(the last two times I did, I had on-the-job nervous breakdowns). I have no health insurance, and no ability to pay for even the cheapest coverage even if I could get any. And then there is of course the fact that someday, I hope to actually have gender reassignment and fully transition to being a girl, which once more, I am somehow supposed to accomplish with zero money.

These facts have been making me rather irritable, of late. As I see my friends and loved ones all managing, in some fashion or another, to either begin, continue, or reach the endpoint of their journeys into identity self-assertion, I have remained frustratingly stagnant. And frankly... I'm not sure that's ever going to change, because I don't have the ability to make money the way more technically-inclined members of our community can. Dai's income is decent, but it's still only just above Seattle minimum wage and that's not a lot to support two people on; the likelihood that he's going to be able to bankroll my transition is slim to none. Which leaves me in the aggravating, frankly soul-crushing position of sitting by and bearing witness to personal transformations I increasingly believe I will never be able to afford to experience. All because I don't meet the arbitrary financial gating-point society has decided to lock these services behind.

I'm 27 years old. I'll be 28 this summer. And while in many ways my situation is infinitely, staggeringly better than what I am used to, it is still unacceptably stifling. Not only is transition no closer, it feels further away than it has ever been in my entire life. And if anything, I fear my ability to actually self-determine in the crushing shitmire that is the modern economic landscape is at an all-time low. I am reliant, utterly, on help that may not ever come, and the only option I am left with is praying that it does. Unless money just starts falling out of the goddamn sky, I am pretty much certain at this point in my life that I will NEVER get to become the girl I want to be.

I am, simply put, not valuable enough to deserve it.

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EDIT: Since I seem to need to clarify this, yes, I am aware nobody who works for the con is getting comped anything and that it is a purely volunteer effort. I am not trying to badmouth it because of this, simply stating how that and my lack of personal interest in the event dovetailed with larger concerns about the value of my time and energy. This is not me trying to give the con bad press or 'blaming it' for anything.

Comments

[buni]

I can't speak to anything in this except the con, because to do so would be presumptuous on a level I really don't want to imagine. All I can really say is that Foolscap doesn't have a policy of comping memberships to its staff. I'm not getting comped. Orbus isn't. Nobody is. All work for that con right now is on a volunteer basis. Please don't blame the con for not offering to pay you. The con isn't paying anyone. It has nothing to do with you or how much your time is worth.

I'd love to talk money and finances and job things with you at some point, and I did see the post about cleaning house and am interested in working out a deal with you. I do have some questions I want to ask, but I don't know whether it's safe for me to ask them without sounding like a massively privileged bitch, and that isn't the kind of interaction I want to have with you, or really with anybody.

[goalcam]

"how can anyone with the name 'goodspaceguy' be someone bad to talk to?"

*clicks*

"shit"

[houraipeach]

Goodspaceguy is the eternal answer to the question 'well, how much worse could it be?'

[goalcam]

it's kinda fucked that they don't even comp badges to their staff??? i mean, if their finances are really awful then i can see it i guess but jeez.

i'm only vaguely aware of the con because i'm a big fan of egypt urnash but it sounds like it does a good job of attracting the SF-inclined seattle area weirdos.

uh, regardless of the above stream of consciousness, given your general life... happening things as of late, dropping out doesn't seem that unreasonable in my opinion.

[houraipeach]

Like I said, the con is run pretty much as a purely volunteer effort on a shoestring budget. I'm not sure I agree with where that budget is actually GOING, but that's why I'm not gonna be attending; it's not done for a profit in even the remotest sense so I can at least understand it even if I feel kind of 'meh' about it.

[mmsword]

It's an unfortunate nature of the beast that you can't really make a con work (particularly pay for the space, plus have money to put deposits down for next year) if you comp volunteers badges when volunteers make up over 10% of your attending con population. This is a fairly common issue with sub 300-people conventions, which Foolscap certainly is.

[silveradept]

Oy, goodspaceguy. Just from seeing the election materials, I can imagine that in person would be far, far worse to deal with.

On the larger point, though, it's a solid decision to say that you want to give effort to endeavors that will provide a benefit back to you, even if that benefit were intangible. I wish I could throw money at the other problems, or that since other entity would step up and do the same.

All I can offer in the meantime is a shoulder to rest on and ears to listen.

[zx3]

All I want right now is to say reassuring things and tell you how much you deserve to be able to transition, because...goddamn. If the concept of "meritocracy" was a fucking THING, it would have already happened a long time ago, because you have had to slog through some terrible, horrible shit.

I also feel the urge to give you a "sun'll come out tomorrow" speech to bolster your spirits but you've heard it from me before and, despite the fact that every word is sincere, I fear coming off less so.

I can only say that...if I have one belief about the way things are going to go, it's that the future is going to be *highly unusual,* and the people who will thrive in a highly unusual future have to be adaptable, intelligent, tough, and highly unusual themselves. I have to be honest, I can't shake this nagging feeling that you're going to do fine, and that things are going to work out.